I got the dress!

So it's official! I found the dress of my dreams and I have it hanging at home!!! It's amazing how my wedding to the man of my dreams is coming true and is all coming together! I am so happy! I went last night by myself to Alfred Angelo in West Covina to check out the dresses. I had been there before to look at dresses and even tried one on. I thought it was the dress. It was from the Disneyland Princess Collection. I thought to myself, "nothing can get better than this dress." Well last night I was proved wrong. When my maid of honor and I went together the first time to the bridal shop I had pointed out a dress that I thought was super pretty and we both laughed and moved on. I had my mind SET that I knew what dress I wanted. When I went back last night to check out some more dresses that dress was still there and I was still attracted to it. I asked my dress consultant who is amazing by the way to pull it. We tried on one dress and then came to the dress! I put it on and I felt like a PRINCESS! I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. It was everything I wanted in a dress and more!

God is truly blessing this wedding and everything is truly falling into place. God is truly showing me and my fiance that as long as put our faith and trust in Him that He is going to provide for us. The things I worry about somehow always seem to be taken care of and work out. I couldn't be happier right now. I look back at where I was in a previous relationship and I realize how toxic it was and how it really wasn't true love.I thought it was by all means. However, when I look at how I feel now and how I felt then it's totally different. This is true happiness. Yes, we are going to have our arguments or little tiffs but in the end the feeling of being totally in love and happy doesn't go away. I also look at how a relationship with God as the core is just amazing. My fiance and I pray about all the big steps in our relationship. We pray about the little things as well.  Every time we are worried about something not working out or about something big coming up we stop and pray. Its amazing to see how God is blessing everything. 

I can't wait till I am married to the love of my life!!! Thank you God for showing me that true love is really out there and for helping me find him! :)

Well, it's 2012 and all I can say is WOW!  The last time I posted a blog it was back in October. I just sat here and read it and thought, "wow that feels like such a long time ago." In reality, it hasn't been that long. It has been 4 months. It has been four months since I met my fiance Dan! Little did I know that going up to Victorville that day back in October with my best friend would change my life in so many ways.

Yup, we are engaged! I have the ring and everything. I am planning my wedding. I have a guest list, I have picked out a dress, I have the colors, we have the pastor and so many more other things are falling into place. It is such a weird feeling but a great feeling. God is blessing us so much with our wedding plans and showing us that as long as we keep Him #1 in our relationship He is going to bless us. People have been giving us services as gifts or at discounted prices. We have had to make some adjustments to things we want but in the end its going t be worth it. In the end, we are going to be husband and wife. Giving up a few things here and there is totally worth it. 

If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I ever thought this would happen to me, I would have told you HECK NO! I had given up on finding true love. I thought I had found true love and it actually was the opposite. It was fake love. The love you create because you either don't want to be alone or you don't want to let go of something toxic in your life. I had finally come to a point where I said, "you know God, if you have someone out there for me then I will wait for you to bring him to me. If not, I am fine being single and will live my life just like that because it's what You want for me." Now here I am with an amazing man and his kids who are amazing and we are going to be a family.

Some people have asked me, "are you scared?" I am human! Yes I am scared. I am scared we won't make enough to support ourselves or we will struggle. However, when I start to doubt things, I stop and remember that God brought us together. God is the one who is making this all possible. We will be okay and we will be blessed. We have God on our side, friends who love us and a family that cares for us. We are going to be just fine. I am excited to be a step-mom and who knows, maybe one day (NOT ANY DAY SOON) a mother to my own child. Either way, I will be a form of a mother to 3 great children. I just trust in God that He will have me be a positive influence in their lives!

So back to the wedding planning table and the prayer table. On Sunday, my fiance and I are going to become members of our church up in Apple Valley. I am so excited. I have finally found a church that feels like home. When I go there the Pastor makes me feel so encouraged and full of the Holy Spirit. I can't wait till I can get involved with the church and go to Bible studies and help in any way I can. 

As my old youth pastor Joe used to say, "God is good all the time and all the time God is good!"

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I've Met A Boy......

So I am sitting here at work and staring t flowers that I received over a month ago from a guy I am now seeing. I stare at them and think to myself, "is this for real, have I really met someone?" Then I think back to a conversation I had with a co worker earlier this morning who told me that I don't seem to excited. Well the truth is, I don't know how to be excited. The last time I truly cared for a guy and gave it my all I was handed my heart back to me on a gold platter shattered into a million tiny different pieces. It has taken over a year and lots of crazy glue to put that heart back together. However, there are some pieces that will forever be missing. I am afraid to let that wall down completely and get super excited. I like this guy. I like him a lot. He seems to really like me as well. Actually, I know he likes me. He tells me every day how much he likes me. It's so great to hear but scary at the same time. I used to date a boy who never showed a lot of outward affection to me. Yes, we dated, we loved each other but the romance and all the stuff like that didn't really exist. It had it's moments but it was far and in between. 

My great-grandparents found out last night that I have been talking to someone. I have been trying to keep it a secret for as long as possible. I was afraid to say anything. Afraid they would assume it was my ex (again) or just look at me like I was crazy. I kept praying that God would just continue to guide me with this new relationship and help me. Then last night my Papa asks me, "have you ever heard of a site for Christians trying to find someone?" I said "yeah...." then all of a sudden a little voice in my head and heart said, "TELL THEM! This is your chance!". I looked my Papa and said "what if I were to tell you that I have met someone." I braced myself afraid of his reaction. He looked at me and said, "I would be happy for you!" I didn't know what to believe. My best friend was having dinner with us and all I could do was look at her. They asked me a few questions and it went really well. 

He will be coming down this upcoming Sunday (10-23) and he is going to meet them. Some people tell me I am crazy to have him meet them so early on. However, they are my parents. They mean the world to me. I can't hide him from them. What they think does matter to me. Also, I don't like walking around hiding stuff that I know can impact them as well. The plan is he will meet me for church because I have to read the scripture for both services. Then we will probably have lunch and then off to an Anaheim Ducks game to go cheer on my favorite players. I am nervous as heck. What if they don't like him? What if I act like the biggest goofball and don't know what to do. The last time my Papa met the guy I was dating he didn't like him right off the bat. 

I know that I have to trust in God and know that He will get me through this week and get me through that day. It just scares me to know that this is a huge step I am taking and when I was not looking God brought me a good guy. I just pray that I can let my guard down a little so that I don't let a good thing go or not experience how great it can be.

What My Great-Grandparents Mean to Me!

So I am sitting here at home after having some time to think about things and I realize that I am so lucky to have the greatest great-grandparents in my life. Every time I walk in the door my Nanny is sitting in her chair and her exact words are, “our baby is home.” While I don’t like being called their baby because 28 years old I know it’s important to her to say that. She gets a huge smile and my Papa says, “so how was your day?” While tonight didn’t end with us sitting around our kitchen table eating dinner, seeing them right when I walked in the door was great as usual.
Yes, it’s not easy living with your great-grandparents but I have gotten used to it. They have been the only parents I have ever really known. They have raised me pretty much since I was 9 months old. They were in their mid 50’s when they took me in. That takes two amazing people who are willing to give up the golden years of their lives to raise a little girl who had a lot of emotional issues and raise her as their own. Well, I couldn’t be more grateful for the life they have given me. God knew what he was doing.
2 weeks ago I went and got a tattoo for each one of them. I got a hummingbird for my Nanny and a 4 leaf clover for my Papa.  Hummingbirds represent the meaning of timelessness and healing. My Nanny’s love for me is timeless and she healed a little girl who had a lot of pain in her life early on. My Papa is Irish and he loves his heritage. I was lucky to be able to have an amazing man raise me and for that I got very lucky! A 4 leaf clover to represent the luck I have as calling him my Papa.

I have gone through a lot and my Nanny and Papa have gone through it with me. They hurt when I hurt, they are happy when I am happy. I love them so much and I am so blessed to have them by my side. Even when I made a bad decision to continue to love and be with someone they didn’t like, they still stuck by my side. They did tell me how they felt but in the end they were there to pick me up. I love that when I look at my tattoos I will always have them with me not only in my heart but on me as a tribute to the two people who have saved my life!

Family and Friends (written over a month ago)

So while I am at work, my family is attending a memorial/funeral for a close family friend who passed away last Friday (8/26). He was brought home on Monday of last week and died in his home peacefully on Friday morning after having breakfast. I went over on Wednesday while I stopped by home to see him. I had to fight the nurse to let me in and I am so thankful I did. He knew me and thanked me for coming over. I told him how much I loved him and that I would see him on Sunday when I came home to get my car. Sadly, that didn’t happen because he passed away before I get back over there. I am not one for funerals but I had actually decided to go to his. However, my great-grandparents told me it was okay to stay at work and not take any more time off than I need since my trip is coming up.
I drove home on Wednesday (8/31) to have dinner with my Nanny and Papa (great-grandparents) since I have been staying at my uncles while we have people at my house. It didn’t even dawn me that this would be the first time coming home and realizing that Bob is no longer across the street. As I sat in the car sitting outside my house, I started looking at the neighbors houses that surround me. We have Dean next door to our right when looking at our house. His wife passed away back in 2002. He is one of the dearest men I have ever known. He is so excited to see me each time I pull up and he is outside. He shuffles his way over to give me a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. Then there Mike who had to leave just a few weeks ago from his home because he couldn’t afford the payments any longer. Then there is Sandra and Chet who have been there as long as I have lived in my house (27 years). Then you have Bud and Laurel who are my brother’s grandparents who are just like grandparents to me. Then John and Carrie who are amazing as well. It all hit me, life is so uncertain. One day they are there and you never know, the next they won’t be.
Then there are my Nanny and papa who are the world to me and it is even more evident after my Nanny’s stroke and now the passing of my Papa’s best friend that they aren’t spring chickens anymore. That each day I have to live to the fullest with them in my lives. I consider those on my end of the street just like family! They mean so much to me. I am so blessed to have them as my neighbors!!!

What my nephew means to me! (Written a month ago.)

Let the count down begin! In 12 days I will be headed to Indiana with my great-grandmother to go see my little nephew who will be turning 1 on the day we arrive! I can’t wait to see him. My second tattoo was of a little monkey with blue eyes and puffy cheeks. I went to High Voltage in West Hollywood to get it done. That is when I met the most amazing tattoo artist, Kevin Lewis. I was a walk in so I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I had no idea what I wanted other than a monkey with puffy cheeks and blue eyes. Kevin didn’t believe me at first that I was giving him free rein to draw and sketch a monkey with only those two mandatory features. He did such an amazing job. Most people ask me, “why would you get a tattoo of your nephew on your ankle?” Well, the truth is, it may represent my nephew but it is more what my nephew means to me.
My nephew was born on September 13, 2010. During that time, I had so much going on through my head it was crazy. I had cut all ties to my ex-boyfriend which was one of the hardest things I have done, my great-grandmother (who raised me with my great-grandfather) had a massive stroke, during that year my best friend and I had falling out and while we eventually worked through it, it was really hard and I was struggling to keep a positive outlook on so many things. Then on September 13, 2010 I was at my grandmothers house and I got the news that my little nephew was born and that he was super healthy and doing great. My brother had brought his computer with him so I was able to Skype with my sister in law and the new joy in all of our lives. I knew the second I saw him that God was reminding me of the good in the world that still exists when some days after hearing the news, reading headlines online and in the newspaper it doesn’t feel like it at all. I met my little monkey in November and since then I have going to Indiana quite frequently to see him and just spend time with my brother, sister in law and of course #1, my nephew. Each time I go I get to experience all the new triumphs that he is achieving.
In 12 days I will be with him when he turns 1 year old and I can say it has been one of the happiest years. My Nanny is doing better (as good as to be expected) and so much better that she can go with me on the trip in 12 days. My best friend and I are closer than ever and everything has been left in the past. If anything she is the sister I have never had. I am blessed to have 2 sisters now, her and my sister in law who is my close friend as well. Since I stopped talking to my ex my life has become clearer and so much more happy. The toxic mess I put myself in is officially gone. I haven’t talked to him for a year and it has been a good year.

When times get rough, I look down at my ankle and remind myself that there is a little guy in Indiana who doesn’t know anything of his aunties past and only knows that she loves him so much and loves to give him gifts, kisses and tons of hugs. He loves me for me and doesn’t expect me to be anything other than his auntie. I can’t wait to see my little guy and be around the real little monkey who Kevin Lewis depicted so well on my ankle. To see those blue eyes and puffy cheeks is going to be the best birthday present ever. I turn 28 the week I return from celebrating his 1st birthday.